It's like 11:36 right now.
I have school tomorrow.
I feel as if God is some how washing my torn and dirty hands and hair clean of all the specks of sorrow and hurt,
if feels amazing.
But I also feel this:
He's just helping me grow my own garden,
Saying:
"What?!, dude this is like the billionth time i had to wash you clean!, I know you can not stay clean forever!, but I'm getting a little tired of your complaining, do the right thing, and you'll be okay for now"
I pretty much have to suck in my gut, take life's punches as they're thrown at me,
and get up, and keep going.
I know YOU (you know who you are) are reading this:
I'm hurting so damn much.
I put a posture bow on my back,
but underneath it, my posture is horrible.
It's the only way I can cope....
Besides smoking cigarettes....
Okay,
tomorrow will be hell.
but, i can pick myself up.
I'm going to go smoke like a...smoldering fire
Cheers
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
growing us a garden
As I sputtered 'round aimlessly in hopes that I might catch my stride once more, I realized what tripped me up.
I was running as a child from flower to flower, plant to plant, my knees were dirtied, and carrots as orange as orange juice filled my arms, tomatoes that could literally be thrown as grenades filled my brothers arms, and my cousins just sat there like hawks or parrots ready to squawk at any moment in which my neighbor would come out only to disbelieve what he saw.
I had picked and ruined his garden.
I was about 6 or 7.
That day will forever stick in my mind as the day I had ruined someone's harvest.
He was ticked.
While washing the fruits and vegetables I hadn't had the slightest clue he had found out so soon.
I had just turned around from washing my hands that were oh so pitifully contained and displayed my guilt.
He was an old guy, probably in his late 70's.
When he yelled his veins popped out, as if you were watching a 3-D movie. yeah, just like that.
I had never been so traumatized in my life before that.
I hung my head low as I handed over what I thought I had gotten away with.
I was sent to my room, as I sat in disbelief, I couldn't help but to peer out the window into my neighbors yard.
He was standing tall like the Eiffel Tower, with his hands on his hips. He was mumbling something to himself, I couldn't read lips at the time.
But I bet you anything that man was in more pain than I was.
He kneeled down to attempt to re-plant the flowers and plants that we'd dug up.
Come to think of it, it looked as if a tornado came by and whirled it's 100 mph winds in his garden and left only but the clumps of soil that had once contained the beautiful stemming buds of flowers and ripe vegetables.
In all my days of living at that house, I had not seen or spoken to that man since.
And it seems in my life, I have ruined many gardens.
Gardens that may have displayed one's passion, one's hopes and dreams.
I have planted many gardens myself.
But, it seems easier to tear them apart than to build them up.
The only thing that I can wrap my head around now, is the fact that I want to keep m garden alive.
I want to help others plant gardens,
I want to see their flowers and vegetables grow.
I want to see others display passion, and hopes towards their own gardens.
Maybe one day, You and I could grow a garden in which there's so much abundance, that we don't need to worry about young kids (such as myself) or clumsy people, or ravens and gophers tearing up our garden.
I hope that day comes soon.
What the hell did I just write?
Cheers
I was running as a child from flower to flower, plant to plant, my knees were dirtied, and carrots as orange as orange juice filled my arms, tomatoes that could literally be thrown as grenades filled my brothers arms, and my cousins just sat there like hawks or parrots ready to squawk at any moment in which my neighbor would come out only to disbelieve what he saw.
I had picked and ruined his garden.
I was about 6 or 7.
That day will forever stick in my mind as the day I had ruined someone's harvest.
He was ticked.
While washing the fruits and vegetables I hadn't had the slightest clue he had found out so soon.
I had just turned around from washing my hands that were oh so pitifully contained and displayed my guilt.
He was an old guy, probably in his late 70's.
When he yelled his veins popped out, as if you were watching a 3-D movie. yeah, just like that.
I had never been so traumatized in my life before that.
I hung my head low as I handed over what I thought I had gotten away with.
I was sent to my room, as I sat in disbelief, I couldn't help but to peer out the window into my neighbors yard.
He was standing tall like the Eiffel Tower, with his hands on his hips. He was mumbling something to himself, I couldn't read lips at the time.
But I bet you anything that man was in more pain than I was.
He kneeled down to attempt to re-plant the flowers and plants that we'd dug up.
Come to think of it, it looked as if a tornado came by and whirled it's 100 mph winds in his garden and left only but the clumps of soil that had once contained the beautiful stemming buds of flowers and ripe vegetables.
In all my days of living at that house, I had not seen or spoken to that man since.
And it seems in my life, I have ruined many gardens.
Gardens that may have displayed one's passion, one's hopes and dreams.
I have planted many gardens myself.
But, it seems easier to tear them apart than to build them up.
The only thing that I can wrap my head around now, is the fact that I want to keep m garden alive.
I want to help others plant gardens,
I want to see their flowers and vegetables grow.
I want to see others display passion, and hopes towards their own gardens.
Maybe one day, You and I could grow a garden in which there's so much abundance, that we don't need to worry about young kids (such as myself) or clumsy people, or ravens and gophers tearing up our garden.
I hope that day comes soon.
What the hell did I just write?
Cheers
Sunday, May 10, 2009
she is not old
As I parked my brothers car in the ever so familiar neighborhood, I couldn't help but to think that one day this all might be gone.
I walked up the tattered steps, passed by a slip and slide that looked as if it had been scorched by the sun, and contemplated very quickly on whether I was going to ring the doorbell or just walk straight in.
I walked straight in.
And the ever so recognizable decibel of the chit chattering and the small talk hit me like a storm.
I wasn't feeling like I belonged.
But, as I turned the corner smiling at familiar faces and while hugging family members going through my routine of greeting:
"Hey! How are you?"
"Nice to see you!"
I felt as if it was old as stones.
But, I couldn't help to feel loved as I was greeted with warm hugs, and invites to eat and drink and be merry.
I took a couple of chips and dipped them into the freshly made green guacamole, and salsa, that, in fact, never gets old.
I sat down in the sun for a while striking up small talk,
Observing the family members as they mingled and swam in the pool that's reflection of the sun could in fact give you a sun burn.
I sat there for a while, tired, and very much worn out. I'm guessing my heart wasn't in the place for family.
But, as I think of it, I really do take them for granite.
As my 90 year old grandma, loose on the knees, walked up to the door, I couldn't help to give her the warmest greeting of all.
Very much heart-felt.
I love her to death.
If it was anybody in the family who knew me and what was going on in my life as well as my mom did, it was her.
I visit her every Thursday, we sit and chat, sometimes I even feel so compelled to share the bible with her.
And I can tell that she very much enjoys it.
She has some really weak knees, it's sad to see her once so fit to be tied, going on walks with us, taking us to the park, buying us endless meals at taco bell, baby sitting us, and doing things that grandmothers know how to do best: Love.
A couple issues have sparkled on her health record though, and this isn't a good sparkle either.
She's been having more and more health issues,
the family does what they can to make sure she's taken care of though.
On this particular day, she felt so eager to show the family the pictures of her recent trip to texas however,
the only thing that held her back from showing us was the flight of stairs she had to battle in order for us to show us.
As we brought up the flight of stairs, and our concerns for her weak knees, she quickly reacted:
"I can do it, but I'll have to take a nap after"
HA
So, half of the family stood up, at least five people helped her walk to the stairs.
Might as well just picked her up.
As fragile as my grandmother's physical ailment is, she's got the world to conquer with her mind and experiences.
Anyways,
As everyone gathered around to view this somewhat daunting secene, I backed off, and sat by the pool, not wanting to see her get hurt.
I guess I underestimated my Grandma.
After she had made it up the stairs, I decided to go take a look at the pictures.
When we were all finished we headed to the stairs.
I didn't have confidence that I could help her down, in which I kinda looked back and wish I could have been there.
But this time I watched.
My mother warned me Aunt:
"careful Tracy, keep an eye on heer feet, she sometimes misses the thresholds."
Not a word was spoken after that.
She made it down safe in sound.
It didn't seem like that big of a task to her.
We sat by the pool after that.
Just her and I.
I sat in silence.
I must have forgotten.
I'm pretty sure she never forgets.
I left early.
Came home.
Talked to a beautiful young lady.
Played guitar.
Took a nap.
Should have taken a walk.
I seem to be forgetting things these days.
Don't know whats up with me.
That guacamole was killer though.
Cheers
I walked up the tattered steps, passed by a slip and slide that looked as if it had been scorched by the sun, and contemplated very quickly on whether I was going to ring the doorbell or just walk straight in.
I walked straight in.
And the ever so recognizable decibel of the chit chattering and the small talk hit me like a storm.
I wasn't feeling like I belonged.
But, as I turned the corner smiling at familiar faces and while hugging family members going through my routine of greeting:
"Hey! How are you?"
"Nice to see you!"
I felt as if it was old as stones.
But, I couldn't help to feel loved as I was greeted with warm hugs, and invites to eat and drink and be merry.
I took a couple of chips and dipped them into the freshly made green guacamole, and salsa, that, in fact, never gets old.
I sat down in the sun for a while striking up small talk,
Observing the family members as they mingled and swam in the pool that's reflection of the sun could in fact give you a sun burn.
I sat there for a while, tired, and very much worn out. I'm guessing my heart wasn't in the place for family.
But, as I think of it, I really do take them for granite.
As my 90 year old grandma, loose on the knees, walked up to the door, I couldn't help to give her the warmest greeting of all.
Very much heart-felt.
I love her to death.
If it was anybody in the family who knew me and what was going on in my life as well as my mom did, it was her.
I visit her every Thursday, we sit and chat, sometimes I even feel so compelled to share the bible with her.
And I can tell that she very much enjoys it.
She has some really weak knees, it's sad to see her once so fit to be tied, going on walks with us, taking us to the park, buying us endless meals at taco bell, baby sitting us, and doing things that grandmothers know how to do best: Love.
A couple issues have sparkled on her health record though, and this isn't a good sparkle either.
She's been having more and more health issues,
the family does what they can to make sure she's taken care of though.
On this particular day, she felt so eager to show the family the pictures of her recent trip to texas however,
the only thing that held her back from showing us was the flight of stairs she had to battle in order for us to show us.
As we brought up the flight of stairs, and our concerns for her weak knees, she quickly reacted:
"I can do it, but I'll have to take a nap after"
HA
So, half of the family stood up, at least five people helped her walk to the stairs.
Might as well just picked her up.
As fragile as my grandmother's physical ailment is, she's got the world to conquer with her mind and experiences.
Anyways,
As everyone gathered around to view this somewhat daunting secene, I backed off, and sat by the pool, not wanting to see her get hurt.
I guess I underestimated my Grandma.
After she had made it up the stairs, I decided to go take a look at the pictures.
When we were all finished we headed to the stairs.
I didn't have confidence that I could help her down, in which I kinda looked back and wish I could have been there.
But this time I watched.
My mother warned me Aunt:
"careful Tracy, keep an eye on heer feet, she sometimes misses the thresholds."
Not a word was spoken after that.
She made it down safe in sound.
It didn't seem like that big of a task to her.
We sat by the pool after that.
Just her and I.
I sat in silence.
I must have forgotten.
I'm pretty sure she never forgets.
I left early.
Came home.
Talked to a beautiful young lady.
Played guitar.
Took a nap.
Should have taken a walk.
I seem to be forgetting things these days.
Don't know whats up with me.
That guacamole was killer though.
Cheers
in tune
"hands in my pockets and down on my knees,
i beg for will to change
i'll sputter round from this wheel that i'm in
and in one week i'll be the same"
as i sang those notes off key,
staring at a lamp that was so carefully made
i started to feel my palms get sweaty,
and then i took a look down at my stained jeans.
i strummed the last chord.
and gave the guitar to a beautiful young lady so eagerly awaiting to strum her own song.
and as i sat there,
i thought to myself:
we could in fact sing the same song together.
in tune and all.
i felt some sort of awakening.
i felt alive.
never felt so great in my life.
okay,
cheers
i beg for will to change
i'll sputter round from this wheel that i'm in
and in one week i'll be the same"
as i sang those notes off key,
staring at a lamp that was so carefully made
i started to feel my palms get sweaty,
and then i took a look down at my stained jeans.
i strummed the last chord.
and gave the guitar to a beautiful young lady so eagerly awaiting to strum her own song.
and as i sat there,
i thought to myself:
we could in fact sing the same song together.
in tune and all.
i felt some sort of awakening.
i felt alive.
never felt so great in my life.
okay,
cheers
Friday, May 8, 2009
hurt
its 1:30 in the a.m.
and,
i finally realized what i need to do.
and its going to hurt,
it's going to hurt real bad.
i'm foolish.
i can't deal with this no longer.
i don't even know right now.
it all comes crashing down right about now
and,
i finally realized what i need to do.
and its going to hurt,
it's going to hurt real bad.
i'm foolish.
i can't deal with this no longer.
i don't even know right now.
it all comes crashing down right about now
Thursday, May 7, 2009
friend
dear friend:
it's been a year to the day
i wish i could have seen you before
but,
i can tell you've changed for the better
and seems like things...
no stupid poetry.
i wish i knew what you were like before everything went down.
i can't picture it fully in my head,
but i know for a fact your life has changed in a good way.
dude,
i thank you for being my friend through the ups and downs.
and i hope there's more years to come of our friendship.
alright man,
cheers
it's been a year to the day
i wish i could have seen you before
but,
i can tell you've changed for the better
and seems like things...
no stupid poetry.
i wish i knew what you were like before everything went down.
i can't picture it fully in my head,
but i know for a fact your life has changed in a good way.
dude,
i thank you for being my friend through the ups and downs.
and i hope there's more years to come of our friendship.
alright man,
cheers
Sunday, May 3, 2009
i've always had someone tell me that where i was now is okay, and that wherever we are, is where ever we are.
and i've had someone tell me different.
but, all i want right now,
is,
well fuck,
i want everything.
but,
that's not reality.
i want a cigarette, and the joy of being young.
that's all for tonight.
i need to step out for a cigarette.
and i've had someone tell me different.
but, all i want right now,
is,
well fuck,
i want everything.
but,
that's not reality.
i want a cigarette, and the joy of being young.
that's all for tonight.
i need to step out for a cigarette.
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