wind

it so often seemed like i felt as i was pushing my leg to the floor, pumping, trying to avoid the tan girls in their bikini's as they fluttered around like butterflies on the board walk.
the sun so elegantly glistening on their tan skin, and if you wanted to, you could probably see your own reflection if you looked at their shoulder blades close enough.
the sun was on it's decent down to visit the other side of the world.
i was tired.
the constant pushing led me no where, and i had realized that my legs were starting to burn.
as i gave y last push i rode it out and captured the feeling of resting.
i kicked my board out from under me, and started walking at a steady pace.
i admired walking back to the car.
i peered out into the horizon as i walked.
i had done a lot of that recently.
i think i don't take full advantage of san diego like i ought to.

i've lately had to ride my bike to and from work, it's about 10 miles along the stretch of the inland part of the bay.

as i peddle, i battle against the wind, and i am so often remind of the reason why bike riders wear spandex.

it's a constant battle as i ride to and from work.
a never ending war.

i've been tired recently.
i haven't taken ride my bike to work seriously.
i find myself gripping the handle bars in anger as a force of nature attempts to sweep me away.

damn me.
damn me.

i'll

wake up tomorrow.

this is the feeling, this is the feeling that has been absent in my life for more than 2 years.
It's weird, maybe I'm just starting to realize it, that THIS is summer.
Heart It Races by Dr. Dog is sprinting through my mind, it's 2 a.m., I'm sweating under my sheets, I have to play a show in like 15 hours, and I have to wake up at 8:30 for a car fix and a session of surf.
But it's chill.
I had coffee tonight, caught up with my brother, 4 days worth of conversation.
It's weird, I never thought things would turn out this way.
Sometimes I would have never though I'd see things play out like this,
but it's all in Gods good plan I guess.

Whatever,
I work like a lot. 12-8. Bored out of my mind.

I pretty much don't have a life now.

Sweet.
It's like I'm here for the summer, and nothing that great is going on.
And then I realize that,
and then it's like I'm gone.


I hate when things are neutral.


I don't know, I think I'm becoming a bitter person.
I don't like that. At all.

Cheers,

p.s. I quit smoking cigarettes since I've been sick, maybe that's why I'm talking like this.
I'ts been almost 5 days.
It's killing me!

Cheers

Raisins

Raisins, all that comes to mind right about now is raisins.
I think raisins are something that contains an unrealistic (well, at least in my case currently).
A rasin is simply a grape that has been dried out by the sun,
a simple fruit that's laid out in the sun, and scorched, they become full of wrinkles, shrink in size and have a sweet taste.

In my life right now, I so want to become a raisin.
There are things that are just scorching me, and I'm becoming the bitter and angry person that I promised myself I wouldn't become.
I want to remain the person I am, as I grow in time.


So, a raisin is all I can think of,
and I can only ask God now to help me with all of this shit.

Cheers.

as we pulled into the vons parking lot, on a cloudy friday we both had that thought, "i'm just tired".
we went in, bought some bread.

I've been so let down lately.
I don't know exactly what it is, or where it's coming from.

I tell myself I'm going to quit.
But I don't know what exactly I'm quitting.
Life perhaps.
I think I want to be done.

Maybe I'll sputter around from these feelings tomorrow, but they'll come back to haunt me next week.
..
Just you wait and see.

I wish I could go back, back to my mothers womb, where inside it was warm, with comforting sounds of my father rang in my ear. Where I was fed, and had no need to cry.
It's like, heaven but not, a dreamless sleep.
God, how I'd do anything to just not be here, sweep me away dammit.

You don't know what I wrote down before this sentence, simply because I erased it.


Because, I'm just not happy.

God,
Where are you?
Where am I?
I did not happen to feel your breeze tonight.
Where'd you go?

changes

I srike the match
only to find the flame
I walk through the spider web
only to break it's ever so delicate frame
I acknowledge the mocking bird
I consume all the cookies
leaving not another batch
I stumble through a dark house
with not another voice to be heard

I type that poem, only because I haven't written a poem in a while.
It estranges me:
The clouds that roll in because it's that time of year,
or how the mocking birds come around because it's the season for them to,
or how the sun rises and sets because that's just how it is,
the lizards come out and bask in the sunlight,
spiderwebs and ants make their way towards the house,
grass fades from green to yellow,
the ocean heats like the land,
clothing stores come out with their new summer lines,
flights coming in or flights coming out are seen more,
binoculars and flip flops paired with goofy hats and sunglasses,
people come home...

it's just a matter of time,
but i seem to be realizing it just now.
things are changing.
and it's weird.

change is always.
and i hate it sometimes,
or maybe i'm just to selfish.


shit,
i think i am.