As I inhaled the last puffs of my cigarette tonight, I watched the smoke dance in all of it's beauty. Then I watched it disapear, and thought to myself that no other magician could ever pull off that illusion.
I concentrated on how I've been feeling lately, and the words that have been said to me, or the words I have said to others.
I'm not happy with myself at all.
And then I questioned myself about what I really wanted, or what made me happy.
A good friend of mine gave me a good piece of advice that dealt with a metaphor that had something to do with the giving tree:
she said that
we all are giving trees,
and in a way,
i have given too much to some people,
and they are just going to keep taking without even a slight acknowledgment.
and i just have to learn to say no.
those words hit me so hard.
after i read them and questioned their meaning,
it was if i had been punched in the stomach, and had lost my breath.
as i caught my breath, i realized this:
i love giving,
i never hope to receive much back,
all i ask for is some love back.
i just don't feel loved that much anymore.
i just feel alone.
nobody really knows what i'm going through.
i get phone calls from friends and comments from family basically saying:
brad, quit being a little bitch.
as far as i know it,
that is not love.
i know i have friends, some may not all be that close,
but the ones that have sat with me in my sorrow, the ones that have offered to pray, the ones that have given me advice, i do thank them for it.
but i often find myself surrounded with those people, and just feel completely and utterly alone.
like a lonely cactus,
or that lonely giving tree.
i guess that's enough for me then.
i often question when i'll climb out of this deep hole that i've dug myself into.
and it's hard to say no, or stop giving.
but is it ever possible to stop giving?