Thursday, May 14, 2009

my dad

I pedeled down the shoreline with low tire pressure. I constantly had to look back and check my tire to see if it wasn't too low, i felt as if i was riding on a flat.
That's lately how I've been feeling, i get pumped up, and start to lose what filled me up in the first place.
As I road along the ever so beautiful bayside, passing by bums as they roll their shopping carts filled with bags and nik-nacks, I couldn't help but to notice the foul aroma that tingles your nose.
The water was warm, the fishers were out casting their lines with their cigarettes that danced as they peered out into the crystal clear waters, and holding their poles in their hands as if they knew that it was destiny that they'd catch their fish on this day.

I passed by dozens of docks, tiny row boats tied to it's sides reminded me of wildebeests at a watering hole. I decided to stop and take a rest on a rusty bench, that contained polka dotted bird shit. I watched the other joggers and walkers pass by with their shiny shorts that glistened in the sun as the joggers up and down motions give way to a pattern that I could help but to realize.

I rode on.
When I ride bikes for leisure I usually ride slower, and take time to notice the beautiful scenery around me.
But, as i rode today past one of the docks, i saw something that really caught my eye:
A man, tall, tan, thin hair, oakly sunglasses, standing tall, just looking into the water or aat a row boat.

This man looked strangly familiar to my dad.
Once this registered in my head, I couldn't help but to skid to a haulting stop.
I had to take a second look or maybe even a third.
My legs went numb, I stood in the middle of the pathway, I didn't care.
I wanted to utterly yell "DAD!" and run up into his arms, give him a hug and told him how much I loved him.
We could have talked about the beatles or lance armstrong, or about his past life, or just about what i'm doing in life.
Anything would have been fine.
All of these thoughts were running through my head, chemical inbalances, synapses... I felt like blood was running through my body at 300 mph.
I felt lke fainting.

I get so sick and tired of the feeling, like everytime I see someone that looks even similar to him, I just go through those feelings and motions.

I have no clue why I'm writing this.

But dad, I know you left my life about 13 years ago, and I know you pop in to say hello.

I don't know what it's like to have a dad.
I sit at the park sometimes, and watch fathers play with their kids and ponder off about what it's like or what it could have been like.
I hug older men with kids, and sometimes embrace them thinking if they hug their kids the same way.

I'm wierd.

So, if you are reading this and have a father who loves you so much.
Do me a favor:
Spend some time with him, tell him you love him, go to a football game with him.

I don't know the fatherly kinf of love.

But one day I hope to be a father,
And One day i hope I give my child the love I never received.


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