Monday, May 25, 2009

macaroni and cheese

" I get lost without your love,"
That lyric are somewhat stuck in my head.
But, as I rest my head on my fluffy pillow I can only think of a memory that just struck me,
it's one that was terrifying to me at the time:
I am pretty sure I was young, like around 6 or 7, haha, I think every memory of my extreme youth was around 6 0r 7, but you get the point.
it was the time my family was in more desperation than ever,
we could barely afford mcdonalds on 99 cent chiken nugget tuesdays, and I remember on the car rides home from mcdonalds, it seriously felt as if those nuggets of chicken were nuggets of gold, gold that steemed out of the bags, with a heavenly arroma, and our upset stomachs were telling us that they needed food.
Those are the days we went shopping at target, it seemed as if my brother and i were in the store forever,
minutes turned into slow moving molasses, and hours took the time it takes to freeze honey (in which honey takes a long time to frreze due to it's thick substance),
we'd follow behind mom as she pushed ever so full cart, that didn't squeel simply becuase my mom couldn't stand crappy carts.
we'd stick close behind her, as if we were little ducks following and mimiking what mother duck was doing,

it's always a trip to think about what happened that day,
they toy section was always a aile that my mom dreaded, she simply saw that a simple to would bring us happiness, but couldn't afford it, so i imagine it was somewhat heartbreaking to her. sorry mom.
Me, being the oldest, i had to look our for my brother, as A.D.D set in, i'd have to keep my eyes locked on him, and drag him back to the cart, like a leopard dragging his prey back up to his tree (excuse the nature metaphors)
This one day, I searched for him, not realizing he was following my mother,
I pretty much lost my mom,
The panic hit me as I searched through 3 ailes, and not a single hint that she was in sight,
it hit me like a speeding train, a cold sweat hit, my breathing spead up, the hairs on my neck up like skyscrapers,
she was gone.
"Mom!" i screamed louder and louder, but heard not a voice recognized.
I frantically ran up and down ailes, with the shelves standing so tall above me, I couldn't help but to spare a couple of tears.
Time went by slower.
And in my mind, I started to picture what it would be like to see myself with my mother again, feeling content, and warm.
I wonder what it must have been like to lose nemo, i think after watching that movie, people get sort of numb to the feeling of being lost.
It's probably one of the most confusing, and stimulating feelings ever.
I searched and searched, sorting through unfamiliar faces, I made eye conact with total strangers, I could tell as they peered into my eyes, that i was a lost duckling. And after every eye contact or exchange, my frown was more heavy, and grew heavier and heavier.

I then turned an aile to catch a tiny glimpse of a recognizable shoe, my brothers shoe, to be exact.
I ran, not noticing the phyical statire of my brother, I didn't care.
As I rand to catch up, I somehow noticed, it was the wrong person.
And it made everything even more terrible.

I felt like giving up, taking a seat, only for my mother to come find me.
I kept walking, for I realized the store was gigantic,
I was the small fish in the big wide broad ocean.

I can not exaclty recall what I did next, but I found my mom.
I recall, the face i made, like i hadn't been lost all of that time, i only kept that face for a seond, and then burst into tears, as i was relieved to see my mother again, kinda like the end of homeward bound. kinda.
The warm hug secured me, I got lost inside of the warmth.
I then felt scure again.
As we rode home in our grocery filled brown buik. i thought to myself, hoe relieved i was.

in all essence, this story is tied loosely around what i've felt recently.
just kind of lost,
wandering throughout the ailes that soared high above my head, those ailes were the things or obsticles in which blocked my view of comfort.
And it felt good to be secure again.
It feels amazing.

You know, i used t hate the term, "let's just be friends",
i used to get so caught up in that.
but you know, that means the world to me now, and it's better than saying: " i don't want to be friends".

I don't know where tat came from ,just had to say it.

But, that's really what i need right now,
just friends, just to get lost inside of love,
for i'd be nowhere without it.

i get lonely, but i have myself, a dog and some great friends, a guitar, songs stuck in my head that never get old.
and the last thing i need is complication, but inevetably face that in life.

so, it feels good to be back in that secure place.
place of warmth, under the sun.
of being on the good company of my loving family,
or being in the presence of great friends,
or in the rythm with the band,
or a stroke of grace and miracles,

let's be content, live life, and be merry.
and don't let time get in the way of whatever it is that's holding us back.

i love doing what makes others happy.

i swear i never want to get lost again.
it'll happen but next time it shouldn't be too bad.


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